The Under World

Rail Road Tracks, Sept. 25

 

Pain, pressure

Silver

Glimmer

A reminder

A release

Red sewage leaks

Nerves scream

A reminder

A release

 

Pulsing

Anger

Savage despair

Fallen

Ragged

In disrepair

 

Loved

Lost

Never found

Forgotten aches

Echo

Resound

 

Empty

Hollow

Forgotten

 

Rotten

Evil

Vile

Horrid

Monster

Serpent incarnate

Corrosive

Destructive

Livid

Incessant

Cacophony

 

Welling up

Swelling up

Taking up

Too much space

Too much pressure

Bursting

Flowing

Red sewage leaks.

 

Eventually

Empty

Hollow

Numb

Forgotten

Alone

Eternity

 

Cycle

Undo

Undone

Empty

Rumble

 

Feather

Flutter

Calm

Nothing

My leg hurts... looks like railroad tracks down the side because I cut for the first time in forever.  Threw a fit at dinner after they tried to compromise with me on food and even went to the grocery store b/c they didn't cook the sandwich right and I gave "good expensive ham" to the fucking dogs.  So I threw it on the counter and stored into the bathroom, ran a bath and cut.  I was also pissed b.c the bread they bought isn't the regular bread that I am comfortable enough with to eat and the last of what I liked was used on the sandwich I now wont eat -- which is technically a good thing, but I was fucking pissed.  Dont whine that I wont eat when you buy shit I DONT LIKE!!!!!  SO I feel bad, and I hate myself and that I can't be normal, I am fucking pain in the ass that the world would be so much better off without.  Wish I had the guts to slip deep enough to drain my veins...  It feels soooo good to bleed.  I hate myself.  I am a fat, worthless bitch with nothing to offer anyone but pain and anguish.  Time for another liquid fast.... 

I think that I am going crazy bc today is def. day 5 of my fast and I have done very well... not the best today since I had about 400 cals, but that's okay.  I am going crazy b.c I can't remember weighing/what I weighed yesterday!! This morning, though, it was 95.6lbs, so down it has gone, even though I was crying last night b.c I caved into having watermelon.  *sigh* at least the numbers stayed down!!

Tomorrow I work at SOU super early...  wont have lunch there even though it's free b/c I don't want it to make me sick having solids in the middle of the day... I've got stuff to get through!!  Dinner though, at Apple Bees.  I am so hungry I can't decide what I am going to have... but it has to be something that I KNOW the amount of calories in.  Someone said not to have a salad b/c it might make my stomach cramp.  I haven't experienced that for myself, but then again, I haven't eaten one after liquid fasting for as long as I have.

It is almost dissappointing to me that it's ending.  I still very strongly in control!! I think that I can retain this sort of state of mind as long as I plan what I am eating, esp. when eating out.  I'll do it again soon.... that's for sure.  Maybe I'll start another one Monday morning!! I'll be super busy with school stuff... but then, I"ll be home every evening, not working.  My boss said that the week after she is going to need to work me lots of evenings though, so that'll be good.  It'll be good.  I"ll do good, and I'll reach my goal weight.  I will just transition my low liquid cals into low food cals instead (when I must). 

I am soooooooo hungry...  argh.  I have been looking at cal counts in foods and the pictures are making me salivate.  Oh well, all in good time, right!! 

I told Marilyn about my plan :S She wasn't happy... begged me to eat before Thursday night (this was Tuesday around noon).  I told her no.  I will be happy to report when she gets back in three weeks that I succeeded... and kept it up!! HA HA!! I guess at that point hopefully she'll have forgotten, though... b/c I don't want her to try and stop me!! I don't know what really compelled me to tell her other than her avid questioning and my pride over my success so far.  Stupid really, but she swore not to tell Carol or Christy.

Christy is my nutrionist and she's been sick all summer, so I haven't seen her.  My first appt back is Monday.  I am super worried b/c I don't want to tell her what's up --> for several reasons!! 1. I don't want to be stopped.  2. I don't want to cause her any stress b/c I don't want her to get sick again!! She's been very fragile... and I love her dearly.   If I trust that anyone cares about me at least a little bit, it's Christy.  3. I don't want her to convince me to eat because I will totally regret it.  4. I also don't want her to feel disappointment in me for quitting recovery like I did -- or to blame herself for it. 

*sigh* I think that I am going to take a bath and go to bed... I have to get up early :( and it's going to be hard!!
Good luck, girls!!

xxoo, LIbby

Alright... so today wasn't as good as the other two because instead of a pixie mate i had a smoothie which is FULL of calories....  plus my rockstar.... which is sugar free/calorie free....  soo, with that one drink I had at least 400 cals.  LAME!!  But, still on liquids...

On a brighter note, I avoided dinner at home :) even though I got off at six like I did Friday night -- the night I screwed up with dinner!!!!!!  I fixed a plate at 9ish so that C&R would see and took ONE bite in front of them as they tottered off to bed b/c C wanted to know if I liked it....  This sort of puts me in a downer mood b/c it wasn't a liquid, but it also didn't feel much like a choice, either...  I wont let it get me too down, other wise I'll freak out.  I am already super upset about the number of cals I've had, but in a little while I am going to get on the tred for awhile so I can rest easier :)

Hope you guys did better than me!! xxoo, Lib

PS- 97.8 yesterday morning and 96.6 this morning!! :) Down, down baby!! 

I hate today... but then, yesterday was even worse.   I am just moody.  My ex-best friend wants to chat on MSN about last night... ugh.  Last night was the bad part of yesterday.  Last night I was going to hang out with old friends for the first time in ages, so I decided that I could eat.  I make dumb decisions like that when I feel good. I guess that that is a major down fall of a good day, isn't it?  Sooo, yeah, ate dinner with two at apple bees then headed to their house just to find out that they invited that ex-best friend and my ex-boyfriend (who are together, btw) to join us.  *Ugh*  So I left, immediately, before the happy couple could arrive.  I felt like a fucking moron... what an idiot to think that those people are really my friends... they're not.  Haven't really been for a long, long time... or were they ever REALLY?  Who could care about a fat monster like me? Yeah... no one. 

Today was better in that I stuck with my liquid fast, even when Carol and Randy were home and having lunch... I guess that was sort of interesting though.  I blew up about something totally unrelated because I've been an emo wreck, which made me mad and even more determined to not eat while making them not want to be around me/care if I eat... and I went and took a nap before work.  Fabulous, right?!

SOOOO... Today I drank:

4 oz boathouse fruit/veggie juice for breakfast -- 70 cals
16 oz diet rockstar -- 0 cals
4 oz pixie + 4 oz skim -- 150 cals

The last was sort of a splurge, but it's supposed to boost your metabolism ... so, hopefully it was worth it. 
Still, I feel like crap.  I guess I should get off of here and go to bed...  sleep usually helps.  My nap was wonderful. Hope you're all doing better than I am.

4 more days.
I can.
I will.
No binge on the 5th either... I've promised myself 1 thing, anything, that I've been craving, as long as it's only that.

Sweet dreams and happy starving!
xxoo, Libby

So, I ruined my liquid diet with dinner (pigs in a blanket... aweful!) to appease my "parents" ... almost 48 full hours had passed!! ugh!! And pretty much binged afterwards... I've eaten:

1 pig in a blanket (repulsive name, i KNOW!!)
1 bag M&M's
1 bowl cereal
4 squares of chocolate
1 soda (non diet) + ice cream.

I am nearly freaking out, but I am going on a 6 liquid fast.  Question, should I allow SOME cals (how man?) or none?  Just wondering... haven't done a strict one, um, ever I am sure.  Thank goodness for work!! (and school on top of it soon!! yea for virtually no time, and none at home esp!)

It's noon and nothing but water.  I weigh 97.6 lbs!! :) and I am still hydrated, so it can't be all water weight.  I freaking peed my brains out last night though.  grr.  BUT I didn't eat anything even when tempted.  Now I just have to survive the rest of the day... don't really know how yet since I"ll be with peeps who are watching me all day.  But I must.  For my sanity.  I am in control, not them... they just can't find that out!! And if I make it through today, it'll be perfect because then I work for six more days in a row and that makes life so much easier!!

xxoo for now!!
Libby

1. water (duh)
2. diet peach snapple (0 cals)
3. SF rockstar (0 cals)
4. two sips of skinny, low carb, pixie --- 25 cals (that's being safe!)
5  multi-vit.

So, yeah, today was even better than planned :) Feeling less anxious than I have been... Now I just have to survive my day off *ugh* then I have six on :D so yeah... my goal is to fast until next Thursday!!

xxoo
Libby

This morning 98.6 :) Better already!! 

It's almost 1 here.  I have to be to work at two and all that I have had is a diet snapple.  I should probably drink a little bit more water or something so that I don't get dehydrated, but that's okay.  In terms of other drinks today, I am going to have coffee with sugar free flavor and a pixie-mate for dinner.  Those have like 70 cals in them, but they're incredibly healthy.... and maybe some green tea, though I don't much care for it.  Water will have to suffice for now.  Things that I'll have to beware of are smoothies and granita.  I do want to play with skinny/low-carb drinks during any down time, though really I don't want down time, I want lots of customers and lots of tips so that I have to run around like crazy burning cals and making money!!  Lol.

It is so refreshing every time that I return to my journal here.   I have a horrible cycle of eating, quitting, getting depressed, returning, etc.  They says it's apart of healing.  ? I don't really know. Most days anymore I want to be better, but then I am around my parents, at a wedding, etc. and I get sooo depressed about my life and can't stand to not punish myself once the realization that I am so fat and gross and ugly and aweful settles back in.

Anyways, this has been  beckoning me for awhile now.  Mostly because of sites like myspace and bebo where others "journal" and fill people in on their lives and opinions, I can't...  not like I can here.  Seriously, don't want to advertise to family and current "friends" my situation.  I am very private, don't want anyone to know AT ALL -- ANYTHING ZIP ZILCH ZERO if you know what I mean.  But here, I can say whatever I need to and there are people who I am not jeopardizing a relationship with my filling them in on ... yeah, everything, to respond, which makes it so much better than just journaling in a notebook. 

So, yeah  -- those are my thoughts for now.
Happy Starving, girls!

I've never been good at straight out fasting -- even liquid fasting.  when i do well, it's because i plan meals (small ones) BUT now that I work at a coffee stand it's so easy to have only liquids!!  even to avoid the high-cal drinks we have there.  SOooooOooOo new liquid diet planned :) yea.  xxoo

100.8 (yeah, fat, I know) tonight.
happy starving!

Hey.  I know, it's been a while... I've just been so confused.  And fat, like usual.  But you guys already knew that.

I guess if anybody here has looked at much of my journal, it is apparent that I have been going back and forth between recovery and having and ed.  My nutritionist says that relapse is apart of recovery.  Um, okay...  I guess.  I mean, I do go back and forth (which is useless in terms of really losing weight consistently -- suck!) because I don't feel as depressed when I am happy and for some reason I can sometimes be happy and still eat.  And then, there are the times when I cannot.  It is just so on again off again... I get lost in the emo. turmoil. 

Until recently I hadn't really experienced any episodes of severe depression like I had been.  I didn't even know they were gone until I had one again.  It was insane.  I was so ill, both physically and emotionally.  I wanted to sleep forever, curl up in a ball and even die if possible.  I think by now that I would be dead except that I believe that suicide = murder = sin = hell.  Not that my life right now is "above sin."  I would probably go to hell if I were hit by a car, which is scary...  i used to feel confident in God's love for me, and in His having forgiven my sins.  I have just become such a bad person.  I swear.  I lie when convenient.  I get very angry.  And I don't devote time to the Bible or to church or to others like I should.  I don't pay tithes.  I am so screwed up.  And the church I once went to classify all of those things as bad.  God is supposed to fix everything... but He doesn't.  Not instantenously like I want Him to.  Like I think that others want each other to believe, like other's pretend that He has.  I probably sound insane. 

The depression sucks.  Yet, at the same time it is so familiar and makes it so easy to restrict, I almost love it.  I don't want to be around people.  I don't care about food.  I don't even always want to get on here.  The lack of motivation results in less excercise (but without any food, how bad can that be? my nutritionist swears that excercise + fasting = slower metabolism.  think she is lying?)  and in studying/devotions, also bad -- maybe worse?  Strange comfort zones...

Have any of you lost the ability to feel hungry until so famished you might pass out? I had.  Now I feel hungry, like... hungry all the time.  Persistent, but quiet... ever increasing in sound until I want to rip my insides out (or eat, even worse!) I guess that it is good that I started working, too.  A job that doesn't really have breaks and requires eating in front of people.  And since I am new, when the girls go get food, they don't usually offer to pick me somethin up too, so my lack of food in the presence of them eating isn't questioned.  However, the job is a very social and demanding job (esp. in training) and I can't always handle that part.  But then, I have to.  I will get through training and I will not eat while doing it!!  Bummer lack of food affects memory... but hey, that will just require more effort on my part and surely more effort translates into at a least a few more calories? *sigh*

Anyways, today was a bad day.  I worked 8 hours and I slept for four.  Up for 5 and to bed again soon to work tomorrow.  Sarcastic smile.  It will be for my second job (social as well) and one with a scheduled free dinner.  I have to avoid it (might be hard as I am in charge of a group of students who will be eating) or eat light.  Eat light it is I guess.  Small salad and a piece of fruit.  Okay.  That's good.  SO I'll have a nectarine for breakfast, coffee for lunch and a small salad and maybe a piece of fruit for dinner.  Scratch the fruit.  Okay.  Tomorrow will be better.

YOu chicka's have a good tomorrow too.
xxoo
Libby

Hi guys,

I haven't updated in a while.  I had some good days, but after finals I found out that I got 100% on the two papers I swear I failed and that sent me over the edge... put me back in control of food.  Except that after seeing the 100% I ate... binged, totally gored myself.  Exaggeration... yes, a little.  I ate "normally" -- whatever that  means. 

I weighed this morning for the first time since Thursday (I would start to cry everytime I looked at the scale or thought about it -- my chest would hurt and everything, such intense fear!! --- was this totally weird? NORMALLY I am OBSESSED over weighing.  I don't know what flipped).  I am the DREADED 98.6lbs --- how ironic!!!!  But I guess I shouldn't totally flip out since it has been a week, though I bet I was more.  I have done better -- but not good, definitly not great.

Today has been good:
       *1 cup watermelon -- 46 cals
       *1 cracker + cheese -- 20 cals (so I could honestly say I was snacking)
       *1 candy + 2 mints -- 12 cals (snacking...)
       *1 diet soda -- 5 cals.

So yeah.  That is today.  But my mom has been bugging me about eating dinner with her today AND tomorrow -- she owes me tomorrow b/c I took her out Wednesday (that was supposed to be my one time dining out!! grr) and she is making RUNZA's today -- rolls filled with cabbage, beef and carrots, butter on top.  I don't even like them...  I don't want one.  Today has been a GOOD DAY!! Almost GREAT if it were to stay the way it is now!!  Do you KNOW how many calories are in lean ground beef?! Let alone whatever it is that my mother bought!! At least 300 per serving, if not more!! Plus the butter... and the carbs... cabbage: doable.  Arg.  I don't know what to do really.  Half of one? Take some home for "left overs" ?? 

Well, seeing as how that is really what is weighing on my mind, I think I"ll stop now.  I seem to run out of steam quickly now.  :(

Wow, a lot has happened! I would have posted... but my internet has been spastic.  Anyways!!

I had one super great day this week, under 300 cals!!  But then the next two kinda screwed me up.......  But, as of this morning, still skinnier (96.8 lbs... o jeeze, I almost put 98.6... PLEASE NO!!) 

But two moderatly bad days aren't anything to freak over, my metab. probably apprecitated it!! And now it is time to get back on track :) So, tomorrow:
       *my coffee
       *an apple
       *cantelope (I need to buy some)

Of course, I didn't have my coffee today and I was okay (sort of).  I really want to break that bad, bad habit!! Not needing it would be sooo great!! Maybe I will scratch the coffee and buy a watermelon or soemthing :P

Soooo... other things:

FINALS are OVER!! YEA!! And I did well! I think I got ALL A's!! Woohoo... If I managed that, I am shocked.  This term was sooo hard!! And the cummulative chem test was hard!!  Next comes work... which should be fun.

OKay, I have so much more to say, but I am tired.  Nevermind about anything else.
Chow

Mmmm... Today has been good, I had:
             * 3/4 C. Cantelope
             * Iced Kicker (that was my energy splurge before my exam, which I think I did well on btw)
            
THen I planned to finish the day with the rest of that C. of cantelope (aka 1/4 C) and call it quits except for an energy drink (20 cals) that has lots of yummy vitamins, etc.

But my plan has been ruined...  I came home today and Carol commented that she thought I had been restricting lately (the last three weeks).  I told her I hadn't...
    Carol: "Really"
    Me: "Really."
    Carol: "Well, maybe it's just becuase we've hardly seen each other."
    Me: "Probably, I have been running around like a crazy person for the past couple of weeks.  I barely have time for anything!"
    Carol: "Yeah.  We'll what do you want for dinner?"  (she began the convo by asking if i had eaten and I was dumb dumb dumb!! and said no... idiot, i know!!)
    Me: "Hmm, I don't know." -- a little fishy to say I am not hungry, right? She'd drag me to the dr. to get weighed or something and that is the last thing I need!! (btw: 97.6 this morning =-D) 
    Me: "Something with ham sounds good..." -- I know we don't have any, so maybe I can settle on a salad or soemthing while she eats fattening crap. 
    Carol: "We don't have any."
    Me: "Oh, that's okay."
    Carol: "But I"ll go get some!! We can have ham and cheese sandwiches with soup!"
    Me: "Sure..."     Another dumb answer!! Ham and CHEESE!!!  Off limits at the moment... and grilled (with butter... ick!! FAT FAT FAT!!)

I don't quite know what to do... I mean, she is suspicious and I can't have that... and if I only nibble she'll know.  I'll have to take regular bites and everything.  OMG! I am freaking out right now...

I was having such a good day...  only 1 C cantelope, how perfect!!  Well, and my splurge, but that was made up for by the 1 C. only. 

Anyways, I guess if I have to find a bright side, I have my first nutritionist appt. since beginning restricting tomorrow... so when she asks, "What did you have to eat yesterday" I wont have to lie or avoid the question...

*sigh* arlight, I had better get off before Carol gets home with that ham (gulp!!)
Chow

Today I had:

       20 oz (iced!!) nonfat sugar free mocha
       10 cherries (darn!)
       1 med. apple. 
       1 diet snapple
       Water

Yup... so, it's getting better I think :) my control is returning slowly!! 

Weight: 98 even. :)

Well, I'll begin by saying I didn't go on a liquid fast today.  I ate.  I will go so far as to say that I failed, but I know that if I get depressed about it I really will -- I'll say screw it all and binge.  Not gonna happen... I will just take advantage of those extra calories and put them to good use: tonight I MUST finish my chemsitry assigned homework for tomorrow's review session, and by then peeps will be sleeping so I can sneak on the tredmill and get it some miles and study my biology and HB notecards.  It will be perfect.

Dare I say what I ate? I dare, I need to record things in brutal honesty because they need to serve as reminds for what NOT to do!
          *Total of 25 wheat thins throughout the day (250 cals -- that was the plan once I counted out 10 this morning)
          * My espresso drink (250 - bad idea today!!)
          * 10 black cherries
          * Two slices of exta thin pizza: cheese and tomato + ranch.

Not the best day ever.  But, like I said, it will go buhbye, and to good use.  It helps me focus on my studies (at least, it does when it doesn't overwhelm me, that is!)  SO: I am not letting it.  I will just take care of it. 

Okay, that is all for now... I need to get to work so I can walk longer afterwards.  Tootles!

xxoo
Libby

Yeah, definitly haven't signed on in awhile.  What, at least a full term! 

I am falling apart.  I was doing "so well."  I gave recover a heck of a shot.  And I was okay.  Except that I wasn't.  I think that I just felt okay because I was so busy I just quit looking, if you know what I mean.  And I didn't feel so fat anymore.  (Curret weight: 98.6).  I was still "low" for my size... well, they think "low" is 105 (HA! -- in my opinion for my body, most definitly FAT!! My high weight is 104 I think... in 7th grade!! FAT!!)  Anyways. 

But the past few weeks... and this one in general.  OMG! I just can't believe I stopped.  I think I failed two papers, my all time favorite professor must be sooo dissappointed in me; I don't want to face her for finals (she's my proff for both classes), I suck at my biology class and HAVE to ace the final in order to pull an A... probably not going to happen :(... what else? Oh yeah, I am 1/3 of the term behind in my chem homework and the final is cummulative for the entire year! Holy CRAPOLA!  Chemistry is hard for me... 

So I fasted for a solid 24 hours.  And I felt so relieved!! It slowed life down... brought it back into my control, or at least some of it.  Talk about a stress reliever!! AND THEN, I looked at my calves and I grabed my stomach.  It gave me chills, made me sick to my stomach.  How could I have missed them? Thought that maybe they weren't as repulsive as I thought? 

Today I ate... dumb of me, but at least it was low cal. for the most part.
                      *  1 small nectarine
                      *  5 grapes      
                      *  2 candies (bad idea)
                      *  2 shot espresso (200 cals at least, but my headache went away!)
                      *  4 small bites of corn on the cob

I am on another 24 hour liquid fast 36 hour liquid fast. I would do more, but I have to keep up appearances for the "family" or else I am screwed.  They've quit watching enough that I can do as I please for now... unless I am obvious!  Luckily since I am so busy right now I can get away with not eating with them... until maybe tomorrow night.  So.  Sunday I will plan a low cal late lunch and then do another 24 hour liquid fast, which will allow me a few cals before my first exam.  Maybe a slice of lean chicken breast or something with protein like that, and a jello for dessert.  Maybe just frust and a 10 cal. jello.  We'll see...

I guess that that is it; we'll see.

Well, now that my fling with "recovery" is over, I am starting a liquid fast.  Yea me!! I will weigh tomorrow and report back asap, esp. as classes might be inaccessible to me due to weather conditions...  (bad thing, by the way!)  So I will ttyl!!

xxoo
Libby

I am having such a hard time... I just hate my body SOOO much!! I want to crawl out of my skin... I know that you all can relate.

I have been eating... I've been trying.  But instead of watching what I eat to eat healthy, I just eat.  I just went on like a 7 day binge... how nasty am I?  Yeah, gross.  I am terrified to jump on the scale...  And I am going out to dinner tomorrow night for my birthday!  OMG!! And I don't know where, so I don't know how to plan ahead.  And on Tuesday, with friends instead of fam.  Luckily the only night that there will be cake is Monday night, and a small one at that.  But it will be my favorite, I love Yummie Cake!! White with chocolate frosting!! Ha ha ha, the funny thing is, I don't even like cake, that is, except for this brand... it is beyond amazing!!

Sooo... my plan.  After dinner tuesday night I am going to work my butt off!! I considered going on a liquid fast... but I am afraid that that might be too drastic for my control... And my metabolism... So I am going to plan every meal to the T, and if I get a craving that might be okay, I'll work it into the next day's meal plan.  I'll stay pretty low cal, ya know.  Coffee in the morning, half a sandwich w/half the bread and a jello for lunch and then ... I don't know, a veggie for dinner.  I'll also plan on working out at intervals fairly soon after eating to keep my metab up. 

I think to myself that in doing that, maybe I can get better by adding some more cals to get and keep my metab. up... but I fear (ha ha, and fear NOT!!) that I will begin to lose and want to go after that streaK!!

LOL... this crazy, screwed up life!!  Why the hell am I here??? I want to be thin.  I want to be liked.  I want to be loved.  I want to be HAPPY!! but will I ever?  I couldn't say...

Speaking of health, I am afraid I might be having heart problems.  Even having eating like a whore for almost a week (since last wedensday) I am still getting dizzy and light headed multiple times during the day, and it is NOT from low blood sugar!!) 

I don't know, maybe I should just jump into a week long liquid fast while I CAN (with Carol and Randy gone) and THEN plan my meals like that.  What would be best?  *sigh* I don't know.  I just wish that I could be free and forget, but that my friend is IMPOSSIBLE!!

Well, I am nearly done for now...  I will leave on a somewhat happier note.  THE guy from the grocery store slipped me his number tonight.  His name is Shawn.  I am not sure what to do wiht it though... I mean, I don't really know him.  He's not super hot or anything, but he seems pretty sweet.  I am just not sure if I am attracted to him, ya know?  Wish it would have been the other way around, now I feel pressured to call him.  Lol, his hand trembled when he gave it to me.  It was kinda cute.  I wonder if he thinks I am cute?  Must be attracted to fat chicks.  Weird. 

Alright, I feel somewhat better after venting.  Thanks for all of the love - in recovery or out!!

xxoo
Libby

"Pure"

This is my brand new day starting now
I let go the things that weigh me down
And rob me of the beauty thats to be found
And life all around
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above, my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day in the light
Troubles rising up on the left and the right
I keep my eyes fixed on where i want to go, the rest will follow
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

This is my brand new day starting now
Letting go of the ways that i fall down
The old can be made new, the lost can be found, the lost will be found
And this is my prayer without ceasing, the negative releasing
And as i rise above my burden is easing

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

My soul is at ease and i am free
My soul is at ease and i am free
This is my day, my soul is at ease and i am free
(and i am free, and i am free)

I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, drink so deep
The river of life, my soul at ease
I bring the pure flow like water around
The rocks of life won't pull me down
I bring the pure flow, rising above
The storms of life to live and love

Alright girls... Today is a new day for me. I am going to be brave and try to recover. I have the support, I just need to get my butt in gear. The part of me that wants to get better and be healthy and normal and have friends and not feel fat all of the time, the part of us that we smother because we don't trust it, got a swift kick in the butt today. Someone said that I was brave. That I was corageous, one of the most courageous people they knew (it was my nutritionist... so she knows lots of anorexics) and I thought, for once, maybe I am. I mean, I WANT TO BE THIN. I think I am fat and I hate every thing about me. BUT what if there is more inside of me than I see. I mean, I want FRIENDS!! I want a boyfriend... I want a life!! I want to be normal, and I don't believe that I am truly obese. I am actually underweight -- but not emaciated. But that's okay, too.

I don't know how long my courage will last... my will to heal. I've tried it before and I failed. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am ok. Even when I do eat, I only gain like four lbs and still remain exactly at the "low" weight for my body size (98 - 100lbs). That's not so bad, right?

Again, I don't know. Just wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. I want something more... this cage is killing me and today I don't want to die. Today, I don't want to obsess. Today I want to be happy... and free... and loved!!

xxoo
Libby